How not to break your own heart
01
Don’t spend your lonely lunchbreaks watching Alicia Keys and John Mayer serenading Times Square with romantic duets. YouTube’s algorithm already knows you're at your desk, broken hearted. That monthly sales review isn’t going to write itself.
02
A night of yummy cocktails are not worth the fallout of that drunken text. You will awaken the next morning, feeling like the Sahara has emptied itself in your throat, cursing yourself. Pop the preferred cocktail of Eno & Calmpose to alleviate your inevitable “hanxiety”.
03
As a consequence of the cocktails in point #2, you won’t be able work out like you had promised yourself. The gym is not going to accept your last-minute cancellation and that ‘No Show’ is going to hit harder than your boxing coach screaming “HANDS UP” into your already swollen face.
04
Revenge bodies are the game. But the Chocolate Cake Fudge from the Big Chill sometimes masquerades as the game. Stop yourself at one slice.
05
Your Ex is not going to walk out of your phone and into your arms. Closure is yours for the taking. Delete old photos and be brave enough to accept the role you’ve played in your own suffering. That picture of him in your living room with your nephew will no longer melt your ovaries… it will only melt your willingness to leave the house.
06
This is more of a PSA to Instagram, a kind of open letter from the Broken Hearted: Dear Instagram, please either change your algorithm to show another person’s “following” list in chronological order (so that we don’t spend hours figuring out who the Ex has recently “followed”), or, better still, remove this section altogether to prevent our late night anxiety attacks
07
Check yourself when you’re booking your typical spot for your typical summer holiday- are you revisiting old haunts hoping to run into an old love? Pro tip- Eat Pray Love your life and go to Vietnam for some soul saving Pho.
08
I'm just going to say what you aren't supposed to say: being around happy couples when you’re in the throes of heartbreak sucks! Axe them for a bit. Dust off your bicycle from Lockdown 1 and join the singletons you thought you were too cool for you. Those morning rides will revive you.
09
Picture this: You’re at a party and a live performer is singing Drake’s “Hold On, We’re Going Home.” You lock eyes with a Mysterious Stranger who you decide to make good on the title of the song with. A few weeks later, your little lust cloud with said stranger bursts, as you wake up to a text from your godforsaken Ex. This is when you remember the first rule from your teenage squash lessons: the rebound hits harder than the shot.
10
And finally, be regular about sticking your feet into a little hot tub and face into an ice bath- maintaining regular skin care & hygiene are tres important as they will help make you feel and look your best.